You Can't Spell "Vanity Project" Without "I" (Or "Cavity Jet Porn")

Take me back, Kevin Nealon(s), for I have come to make amends for my recent delinquency at this whole MP3 blogging fooferaw in the most hilarious manner possible. See, a lot of the time when I get bored - and I get bored a lot - I start fucking around with this program called MixMeister which came bundled with my sound card and which enables reclusive dorxxx like me to program elaborate mixsets from mp3s. I cannot be upfront enough about this: I ABSOLUTELY DON'T DO THIS SERIOUSLY. THIS IS DONE FOR THE GRATIFICATION OF NOBODY OTHER THAN MYSELF (well, until now, I guess). THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO DO WHEN I GET STONED AND DON'T FEEL LIKE WATCHING ALEX JONES EXPLAIN HOW GEORGE W. BUSH MURDERED JFK JR. FOR A FIFTIETH TIME. YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE LISTENING TO ME PLAY WITH LEGOS FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS.

That being said, considering the fact that I was playing with Legos well after I got my driver's license, I still get a kick out of doing this; there's simply something ineffably engrossing about constructing the world's loudest zen rock garden. And more to the point, it allows me to offload a butt-ton of musical content without having to wrack my brains for two hours after a long day of creatively calling Mischa Barton a bony hag; all I'm doing is creating a hermetic context in which to place and consume all this stuff, and if you've somehow deluded yourself into thinking that it's somehow significantly more idealistic to do this with elaborate, tenuously relevant stories about me abjectly failing at girls back in high school than with a sweepingly stupid, needlessly elaborate gesture such as this, well, I sure hope you work for a publishing house. Besides, a lot of these songs don't really have anything to do with that kind of consumption - I seriously doubt that Linus Loves or Erol Alkan put their songs together the way they do in order to provide context for The Trials And Tribulations Of The Modern-Day Dork or whatever.

Having said that, three warnings;

1. I really wasn't kidding about the two-and-a-half-hours thing. What can I say? I get bored as fuck a lot. Suffice it to say that I don't expect anyone to actually have two and a half hours to spend listening to me put music in order, so you're fully off the hook when you get bored/frustrated/embarassed fifteen minutes in (although WHY DON'T YOU JUST STICK THE DAGGER IN A LITTLE BIT DEEPER YOU SPITEFUL BASTARDS etc).

2. Some of the transitions are, shall we say, kinda jarring. I assure you that this is less the case with this version of the mix than the 898145660916654 takes that preceded it, but still, let's not go breaking the comments section with stuff like HAY JAMSE YUO SOHULDNT USE THAT JNO SPENCERR BLUE ESPLOSION TRAC BCUZ IT MIXXXEZ BAD; rest assured that I already know. God, do I already know. For some reason, my attitude towards this eminantly frivolous bullshit makes Andrew Wiles look like an eighth-grader holding a copy of Exodus by comparison.

3. The mix is unmissably segmented; I figure this is just what happens when you spend a lifetime being taught that music is supposed to flow in movements. Well, okay, that, or this is just what happens when you mix dance music by yourself in your studio apartment over headphones.

Anyway. Since this is a big-ass file, I want to make it clear in bold again just in case - if you're an artist with a track on this mix and you don't want it available here, please email me and the mix will come down immediately; alternately, if you want me to link to anywhere specific that these records should be bought from, let me know and I'll edit the post in a big hurry. I want this site to be a pulpit from which the gospel of Music Which > Stabbing Yourself In The Face can be preached, not some sort of canned vagina (COSMICALLY NSFW EXPLANATION) I can wrap around my swollen ego-cock. Jesus, that seems like a strange sentiment to express right before I send out two and a half hours of me doing stuff. ANYWAY.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/pgvb79

TRACKLIST

1. DJ Shadow, "Un Autre Introduction" (buy)
2. Rockwell, "Somebody's Watching Me" (feat. Michael Jackson) (SZ House Dub)
3. Daft Punk, "Robot Rock" (Soulwax remix) (buy) (remember what I said about how I like to mix stuff together in weird-assed ways? Q.V., y'all)
4. Para One, "Dudun Dun" (MSTRKRFT remix) (pre-order - scroll down a bit)
5. Linus Loves, "VH1" (buy)
6. Digitalism, "Jupiter Room" (Martian Assault Edit) (buy)
7. R0bb1e W1ll1ams, "L0velight" (Soulwax R@velight Dub) (googleproofed to fuck up the kidz) (buy)
8. Van She, "Kelly" (Alan Braxe & Fred Falke remix) (buy)
9. Madonna, "Hung Up" (Stuart Price Extended Dub) (buy) (HEY, WHADDYAKNOW, MADONNA TRACKS GET EXPONENTIALLY MORE PALATABLE WHEN YOU REMOVE HER FROM THEM ENTIRELY) (also I SWEAR TO GOD I THOUGHT IT WAS 'STUART', BUT MY MP3 SED 'STEWART' SO I WENT WITH IT)
10. Coldplay, "Clocks" (Royksopp's Trembling Heart remix)
11. Death From Above 1979, "Black History Month" (Alan Braxe & Fred Falke remix) (buy)
12. The Whip, "Trash" (buy) (not the smoothest transition on the mix [to put it absurdly kindly], but hopefully it'll be evident why I attempted it in the first place)
13. Union Of Knives, "Evil Has Never" (buy)
14. Soulwax, "E Talking" (original mix) (buy)
15. Justice, "Waters Of Nazareth" (Erol Alkan Dur Durr Durrr remix) (buy) (if anyone has any suggestions how to transition between this song and number 18, please hit up the comments box; what comes next is literally all I have, so please don't use your chloroform)
16. Cobra Starship, "Snakes On A Plane (Bring It)" (Juan Maclean remix) (buy) (frankly I don't think even Samuel L. Jackson could have expected that woefully unappealing movie to produce such a high-quality nugget of Danceteria goodness, and there aren't too many things in this world of which I'd expect Samuel L. "Shit, I eat the pussy, I eat the butt" Jackson to be unaware. Motherfucker only ran away with Pulp Fiction; for all I know he can see through time.)
17. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, "Mars, Arizona" (DFA remix) (buy) (2004! CAN YOU HEAR ME! WHO OUT THERE LIKES THE TASTE OF ACKA-HAWL!)
18. The Gossip, "Standing In The Way Of Control" (Soulwax remix) (buy)
19. Delia Gonzalez & Gavin Russom, "Rise" (DFA remix) (buy) (AND THEN THE MIX GOT KINDA OPPRESSIVELY DUBBY although fuck you if you don't like it like that. DJ Sammy was a hero to most but he never meant shit to me.)
20. Klaxons, "Gravity's Rainbow" (Nightmoves remix) (buy)
21. Klaxons, "Magick" (Simian Mobile Disco remix) (wait for it...wait for it...)
22. Delerium, "After All" (Satoshi Tomiie mix) (buy) (I figured that since the mix was kindasorta heading in a super-gloopy rave-y direction, it made sense to push that particular boundary as far as it could go, and frankly there isn't much trance that can embarass you half as good as this track. I mean, it just flat-out does every single thing you want a song this unapologetically unironic to do, from the unce-unce-unce beat to the howlingly "spiritual" lyrics to Oh Good God The Piano Part Towards The End. Thing is, all of this only makes this song embarassing, not bad, and since around these parts we leave tithings at the foot of an altar shaped like Billy Joel we're well aware of the virtues of getting past embarassment. Anyway, at least %99.9999999 of you will have stopped listening to this mix long before this song comes up, so it's a moot point anyway.)
23. Hot Chip, "Boy From School" (Erol Alkan's Extended Rework) (buy)
24. Dinosaur, "Kiss Me Again" (original mix) (buy) (and before you ask, it's the Hot Chip mix making the transition between these two songs sound so squirrelly - it just sorta melts away at the end there. I just still think it sounds awesome, and it's not like "Kiss Me Again" is some masterpiece of metronomic prowess anyway. DEAL WIVVIT.)
25. LCD Soundsystem, "Losing My Edge" (buy)
26. Elton John, "Are You Ready For Love?" (radio rip) (buy)

Whew. Regular content to resume tomorrow and Wednesday hopefully - some of us have to go home for a wedding Thursday and Friday, so rambling like this will be taking a distant, distant backseat to eating all of the barbecue North Carolina can scrounge up to sell me. God, I just know I'm all but guaranteeing that once again, Bullock's isn't going to be open with that sentence, but the truth is the truth.